#007: On the narcissist archetype, a matriarchal shift and soothing our inner child

How narcissists are born out of the patriarchy and what it will take to move to a matriarchal order

Read time: 8m 40s

🪟 A window into my brain

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I’ve been surrounded by women my whole life.

With few men in my close family apart from my father (poor thing), I went from spending a lot of time with my mother, sister and female nannies in my childhood, to girls’ school for 7 years from the ages of 11 to 18. We never had a “brother” school, and let’s just say I didn’t engage in many boy-heavy extracurricular activities (I still find it very odd that ballroom dancing doesn’t attract more young boys) so believe me when I say, exposure to the male species was limited. When I turned 18 and went to university–at Oxford, no less, where many men’s (read: boys’) attitudes to women are far from progressive, even in 2016–I was hit in the face with the reality of Man Rules World. Some might say that I was extraordinarily privileged to only become conscious of this damning reality after 18; others may say that I was disadvantaged by existing in a fairyland of caring, loving girls and women who protected me from the wrath of the snotty-nosed, bullying, 10 year old boy who would grow up to be my tyrannical, toxic boss. I often wonder whether if I had learnt to deal with such boys at a younger age, I would be more equipped to identify and deal with their adult incarnations. Because take my word for it when I say: I am terrible at this.

Since 2016, I have found myself repeatedly surrounded by male narcissists. Whether it was my ex-boyfriend and his not-so-well-endowed best friend who got his kicks in life from making smart women feel as small as a speck of dust, or my former boss whose unresolved trauma ruled his style of leadership (read: dictatorship) and ultimately got him kicked out of his own company, or my former co-founder whose desire for being Someone in the world overruled his ability to exert his will on the world in any meaningful way, I can’t escape the fact that…they’re everywhere?

What I’ve realised is that there’s a certain type of man who takes great pleasure in preying on a young woman’s need for validation. This type of man tends to be awfully charismatic, boasting an excellent sense of humour, often leading him to be the face of the organisation or social group. This type of man thrives by weaving a delicate web of praise around him that makes it close to impossible for a woman to disentangle herself from the (often arduous) ask that is being made of her. This type of man litters a trail of empty promises behind him that he never intends to keep, simply to keep a woman doing exactly what he wishes her to do, like some kind of twisted Pavlovian conditioning. Asks are always made in the context of buttering up her ego, making her feel indispensable, worthy, and needed, which, as we know, are insecurities so often found in (particularly young) women. In essence, the narcissist believes that people only exist around them to serve them. The ironic thing about the narcissist, of course, is that they often suffer from a debilitating inferiority complex. Forever questioning whether they are worthy of this relationship, that promotion, this lucky break, they mask their low self-esteem in a brittle casing of superiority.

In some ways, the male narcissist is the embodiment of the patriarchal order. As I discuss in The Misconception of the Matriarchy, a patriarchy characterises an unequal distribution of power between men and women, leading to men exercising disproportionate power over women and ultimately oppressing them. In contrast, the aim of a matriarchal society is not to exercise power over or oppress men, but rather to “follow maternal values, nurturing the natural, social and cultural life based on mutual respect,” (Heide Goettner-Abendroth). In short, a patriarchy thrives on possessing power over others, while a matriarchy thrives on experiencing power from within.

In my view, the reason a patriarchal society produces so many male narcissists is because the patriarchy is built upon fundamentally transactional and hierarchical foundations, concerned with giving the least amount possible while receiving the most in return. The patriarchal order also elevates greed, domination, exploitation and individualism as aspirational qualities. But these qualities are directly at odds with the reciprocal laws embodied by Mother Nature and, by extension, the matriarchy: regeneration, love, reciprocity and community. The parallels between the patriarchal order and the narcissist archetype are clear to see. A narcissist is incapable of deriving power from within the self; instead, they must deplete the sources of power that surround them by manipulating them, like a mosquito draining blood from the nearest human to survive.

This realisation naturally prompted a reflection about what qualities might exist within me to continuously attract this toxic archetype into my life. Oh low self-esteem, I thought I had rid myself of your choking grasp! Alas, no. She must trail behind me like a lost puppy, begging for attention at every opportunity, mewling at the top of her tiny lungs whenever she feels neglected, just loud enough so I can’t ignore her. The problem with low self-esteem is that it not only acts as a siren call for this archetype to swan flamboyantly into your life, but it also inhibits your ability to push back on problematic micro-behaviours. What’s interesting to me is that despite my self-esteem having improved by an order of magnitude over the past 8 years–partially catalysed by recognising the injustice of my treatment by these narcissistic men (thanks, I guess?)–I am still somehow drawing these men into my orbit and these men are still somehow being drawn into my orbit. Why did I include both the active and passive version of this sentence? Because it takes two to enable a narcissist to thrive, just as it takes two to bring one down.

I don’t think it’s hugely helpful to discuss the origins of narcissism in the patriarchy without offering some rudimentary thoughts of how we might work towards a more matriarchal order. This is a massive question, so I’ll focus my thoughts specifically on how we can ease narcissistic behaviours in the workplace through embracing matriarchal norms.

• We need to shift corporate structures towards a model of empowerment versus exploitation. Rather than viewing employees as cogs in a machine, it’s critical to see employees as individuals with their own interests, capabilities and needs. By giving employees the autonomy they require to do their best work versus exploiting their labour for the benefit of a small number of powerful individuals, we will move towards a more empowered and balanced workforce that produces better results along metrics other than simply “growth at all costs”.

• We must equip women with the confidence and tools they need to identify, address and give feedback on narcissistic micro-behaviours. While this effort can sometimes be fatiguing, I disagree with the notion that the onus for change should only be put on men. The patriarchy, after all, fails to serve men just as much as it fails to serve women.

• We must work to offer men the support they need to crack their narcissistic exteriors and expose the raw vulnerability within that is driving these behaviours. This is a complex problem woven into the fabric of how our society functions and requires a separate essay (or three).

• After an interesting debate with my partner about whether the answer really is to move towards a more matriarchal order, I’ve realised how much of an education gap there is around what “matriarchy” actually means. If you’re unsure about the definition and how it truly differs from a patriarchy, please read this and this. If you’ve read any of my writing, you’ll know that I don’t like to engage in over-labelisation and furthering false dichotomies, so you can probably tell I feel passionately about this. I’m very happy to engage in a constructive conversation or debate around this if you wish!

🖋️ Sentences I wish I’d written

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There are no new ideas, just new ways of giving those ideas we cherish breath and power in our own living.

~ Audre Lorde

The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.

~ bell hooks

Men have been taught that they are something other, that they have a manhood agenda of dominance and competition, and our institutions and economy have been built on that lie.

~ Genevieve Vaughan

🚀 From idea to reality

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In writing this weeks’s essay and thinking about my own role in attracting narcissistic men into my orbit, I realised that the narrative around self-development is that if you make the same mistake twice, you are either insane or not a quick enough learner to realise that after the first time, you’re no longer making a mistake, but an active choice.

I call bullsh*t.

You often have to make mistakes multiple times to recognise the pattern, given that mistakes drape themselves in so many different cloths. I used to beat myself up for falling into the same type of professional relationships where I was at the mercy of a narcissist, but the reality is that the narcissists I’ve come into contact with have differed from each other enormously. I am now a firm believer that only by making the same mistake twice (or more), can you trust that you have extricated yourself from the behavioural patterns that are holding you back.

So the next time you beat yourself up for falling into an old pattern or repeating a mistake, give yourself some grace and reflect on the commonalities that are threaded through these behaviours. You never know what you might find.

💭 A question for you

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What is the wounded child inside you trying to tell you?

Nikita 💃🏽